Not My Kid

My kid totally did not stand there looking right at me
while crying that she did NOT have to pee even though I knew she did
and was trying to make her and then pee in her pants 1 minute later.
Nope not my kid.

My kid did not fill her bib up with more lunch than she consumed
and then take off that same bib
and throw it across the room sending ALL the said lunch flying everywhere.
Nope not my kid.

My kid also was not playing in the sprinklers in the front yard
and drop her bathing suit bottoms and poop in the grass
for ALL the neighbors to see.
Nope not my kid.

My kid did not take one single bite out of every apple in the fruit bowl.
Leaving me 6 apples only suitable for her now.
Nope not my kid.

My kid did bring in her bug catcher FILLED with rolly polly's
and leave it under the dining room table open.
Nope not my kid.

My kid did not squirt water from the backyard hose through
the screen door and all over my kitchen floor.
Nope not my kid.