To Baby or Not to Baby

That is the question...
Well in our house anyways.

A month ago I would have said not to baby without a doubt.
This week (and last week, shhhh) I have been having insane desires twinges of wanting another baby.
I think partly due to the fact that I am really starting to
realize how big my girls are getting.
I think about all the reasons not to have another baby
and they seem really selfish.
Which isn't completely a bad thing, I mean I am the one
who will be the most affected by another baby,
in the early stages at least.

Financially we can afford another baby,
and we certainly have enough love to share.
And we will have 2 very willing to smoother help
big sisters that have been asking for a little brother.
The hubby keeps nagging reminding me that I
am denying him a boy.
(Like there is a guarantee we will get a boy)
I still think about how incredibly painful awesome it would be to
actually get to experience labor and delivery.
I know crazy right.
I kinda felt jipped outta all that good stuff
stuff you really don't want captured on video.
It would be cool to have a big family
which in turn will give me more grandkids to spoil
in my golden girl years.

BUT

Then reality sets in and I am stabbed in the heart reminded
of my mommy insecurities.
I work,
outside the house.
And granted I have a cool schedule that allows me LOTS
of time off in the summer,
when I do work I am gone
all.day.long.
Some days I feel like I am already not there enough with my girls.
I worry that if we add another baby/kid that
I will be spread even further.
I already seriously stress think about how we will manage sports,
school, homework, work and the girls
aren't even in kindergarten yet.
Add another peanut in the mix and I we
may implode.
Besides that my plants are finally starting to
grow back the leaves the girls pulled off
and ate when they were little.
I am not sure they can endure another baby's wrath.

I kinda feel like we are under a weird deadline too
which makes it even more stressful for this momma.
The girls will be 5 soon, so there will
be a minimum of 5 years between them
if we got pregnant right away.
Do we really wanna start all over now
just when the girls are becoming
self sufficient????

Then I start looking at my cuter than cute girls
and begin to imagine how adorable
a little Tony boy would be.
Would he have the same blonde curls as the girls
or darker thick hair like my handsome hubby?
And I secretly have another name for a little girl picked out
if we had another girl.
I think if I did decide to open the baby maker
back up I would have to have a guarantee of
my choice of names.
You think that would fly???

I was hoping that writing all this out for all of you me to see
would help me make this decision easier
but I don't feel any different than when I started...
all sorts of conflicted.